Harry Potter and the Moulin Rouge
by Them2
Summary: This is why, Ron, there are those laws about fiddling with Muggle inventions… Your favorite Hogwarts characters take the places of the stars of the movie Moulin Rouge! Tiger Tiger Rrroow rrrrrow!!
1. It's Pig's Fault!!

Title: Harry Potter and the Moulin Rouge

Authors: Nightshade Darkholme and Rachel Hunt

Summary: This is why, Ron, there are those laws about fiddling with Muggle inventions… Your favorite Hogwarts characters take the places of the stars of the movie Moulin Rouge! Tiger Tiger Rrroow rrrrrow!!

Rating: PG-13 for some sexual themes and heavily disturbing content, such as Snape, The Sparkling Diamond.

Genre: Humor/Drama

Disclaimers: It wouldn't be in the Harry Potter section of a fanfiction site if we were claiming to own it. Nor do we own the fantastic movie, _Moulin Rouge_.

Authors Note: Enjoy! And please Read and REVIEW!! Feedback is not only welcome, but encouraged.

**~~~~ Chapter One: It's all Pigwidgeon's Fault!! ~~~~**

Ron grumbled as he set the portable 'Telewision' and VCR on a table in the Gryffindor common room. Harry and Hermione looked on, bemused. Lee Jordan, Fred, and George played Wizard Chess in the background, the twins, as they often did, acting as one entity. Ginny and Neville occasionally offered their advice. They ignored the trio.

"Now," Ron said as he sat down between his two friends, "I told you I've been working on something over the summer, right?"

Hermione looked amused. "Ron, you mentioned it with every owl you sent!"

Ron grinned. He looked proud of himself, and gesturing to the telly with a flourish proclaimed, "This!"

Harry and Hermione, having grown up with TV, waited for the punch line. 

"Ron… Muggles invented that quite awhile ago. Besides," Hermione went on in her know-it-all way, "As I've told you before, electronics don't work at Hogwarts! The magical currents-"

"Interfere blah blah blah!" Ron huffed as if Hermione were very dense. "I _fixed_ it! My dad and I made it so that it runs off of **magic**!"

"Oh!" Harry and Hermione exclaimed. Harry smiled. "Ron, that's really great."

Hermione too smiled. "Nice, Ron. So, what movie do you have?"

"Um…" Ron rummaged through his book bag. He pulled out a tape, looking dubious. "Umm… Moo-lin Roo-guh."

Hermione looked ready to smack her forehead… or Ron's. " Ron! Not 'Moo-lin Roo-guh!' It's _French!_ It's_ Moulin Rouge_!"

Harry looked delighted. "Oh, _Moulin Rouge_! That's the one you were telling me about, right 'Mione? I wanted to see that… annoying Dursleys…"

Ron, looking quite red, put the tape in. He then pulled out his wand, and aiming it at the beat-up devices, started muttering a spell. 

Harry looked up at Pigwidgeon, who was flying in hyperactive circles about the room. He seemed to notice Ron for the first time…

"PIG, NO!!!"

Pigwidgeon flew into Ron before he finished the spell. The result…

A great explosion, issued from the end of Ron's wand, and a great burst of smoke. A phosphorescent turquoise wave shot rumbling through the floor of the common room, up the walls… and out through the rest of the castle. Red sparks were bouncing dangerously around the room; they at least seemed confined to the cylindrical space.

No one in the room moved, not even to breathe. After a moment Ron merely screamed, "PIGWIDGEON!!!!"

The tiny owl let out a pitifully small 'Hoo' in response.

Fred and George snickered. "Ickle Ronniekin's gonna be in trouble…"

They heard loud shouting and a steady beat of _thump thump thump_s heading for the common room from outside. Harry counted down, "Three, two, one…" and the portrait hole burst open, three professors pouring in.

"Now you back off, Severus, they're _my_ students and _I_ will handle them!"

"_You'll_ handle them?! Mr. Malfoy and I were working on a very **delicate** potion and it was all _RUINED_ because of something one of _your students_ did! POTTER!"

"It wasn't me!"

McGonagall glared at the twins. They immediately pointed at Ron.

The whole room turned to look at him. He hadn't moved since yelling at Pigwidgeon. He still stood there, his wand aimed at the 'fixed' TV, his eyes larger than they ought to have been. They seemed to stand out even more, now that his face was blackened and hair blown back from the initial explosion. 

Draco Malfoy snickered from where he stood at the portrait hole. He had followed his professor up, seeing the opportunity to find out the location of the Gryiffindor common room and watch a Gryffindor be humiliated… double bonus.

McGonagall and Snape, sounding much alike, gritted out, "**Weasley**….!"

Dumbledore, the third professor, put a hand on each of his friends' shoulders. "Now, Minerva, Severus, calm down and we'll sort this out."

Snape looked murderous. "I don't want to sort this out I want to wring Weasley's neck." The proclamation was all the more frightening for the calm tone in which it was said. 

Ron pointed to the still-prostrate owl. "It was Pigwidgeon's fault!"

"I'm sure it was Mr. Weasley! That is why the owl is the one holding the wand and covered in what appears to be soot! It all makes sense now!" McGonagall exclaimed.

But before anyone could get another word out, the remaining red sparks, which had until then been ricocheting off the walls, hit the remains of the TV/VCR. Before anyone knew what was happening, they were all being sucked into the TV. Malfoy tried to run, but alas, he may have been the last to succumb, but he too was pulled into the TV. And so started the adventure through the world of the Moulin Rouge….

*~~~~~~*~~~~~~*

A/N: Okay kiddies, if you want more, **_review_**!!!


	2. Main Titles, There Was a Boy (who lived)...

****

Title: Harry Potter and the Moulin Rouge

****

Authors: Rachel Hunt and Nightshade Darkholme

****

Summary: This is why, Ron, there are those laws about fiddling with Muggle inventions… Your favorite Hogwarts characters take the places of the stars of the movie Moulin Rouge! Tiger Tiger Rrroow rrrrrow!!

****

Rating: PG-13 for some sexual themes (just think the movie people) and heavily disturbing content, such as Snape, The Sparkling Diamond.

****

Genre: Humor/Drama

****

Disclaimers: It wouldn't be in the Harry Potter section of a fanfiction site if we were claiming to own it. Nor do we own the fantastic movie, _Moulin Rouge_.

****

Authors Note: This will follow the movie assiduously, just to warn, but will also include things like thought and cast change on a moments notice! So stay on your toes, and if it's hard to keep track of characters say so in a review and we'll figure out something. Enjoy! And please Read and REVIEW!! Feedback is not only welcome, but encouraged. Thank you's at the end. ALL HAIL THE GREEN FAIRY!!!

****

Warning:I do not know French. I am in Spanish (and rather good at it I might add). Anything in French, I have either sounded out or copied and pasted from the internet, ex: Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir

*~ Chapter Two: Main Titles, There Was a Boy (who lived), and Meet the Bohemian-Hogwartians ~*

The orchestra started tuning up, and the lights come on. Draco Malfoy was revealed to be conducting the orchestra with his wand. As the curtain opens, muffled "Ummphs!" "Excuse me- oh so sorry!" and "Oh, oh I'll pay for that!" could be heard from the pit, where Harry, Hermione, Ron, Fred, George, Ginny, Lee, McGonagall, Snape and Dumbledore were pushing their way towards the stage. As Draco waved his wand about wildly, seemingly unable to stop, various people and their instruments began to float about, all the while playing "The Sound of Music" "El Tango De Roxanne" and "The Can Can."

Just as the cast reached the stage the screen behind the Draco said, 

****

Paris, 1900

The view blacked out, fading into Dumbledore, protruding from the roof of a windmill, dressed as a sitar. He began to sing:

"There was a boy (who lived)

A very strange, enchanted boy

They say he wandered very faaaar

Very faaaaaaaaaaaaar

Over land and sea…."

The view was changing, flying over Paris and the village of Montmarte, getting closer into the streets as he sang.

"A little child…"

On street level now, there were Fred and George Weasley, standing outside the entrance to the village of Montmarte. Fred (or maybe George) said in a grave voice, "Turn away from this village of sin…" George (or Fred) grinned wickedly and said, "On second thought, come right in!" The other twin snickered, "Hehe, that rhymed…"

"And sad and (?)"

The view raced through the streets of the village of Montmarte… which looked strikingly similar to Diagon alley.

"And very wise, was he"

Whores and drunks loitered on corners. At the Bar Absinthe more people could be seen drowning their sorrows.

"And then one day"

Up and in through a window, Harry could be seen dirty and huddled in a corner

"One magic day, he passed my way

And while we spoke of many things

Fools and kings

This he said to meee"

Harry steeled himself at the typewriter.

'The greatest thing,

you'll ever learn

Harry began to type what Dumbledore sang, sniffling and crying. 

"Is just to love

And be loved, 

In retuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn.'"

Harry typed, and spoke in a voice cracked from crying. "Moulin Rouge... a nightclub… a dance hall and a bordello." His words were accompanied by fantastically colorful images. "Ruled over by Harold Zidler." Ron, in a red suit that made his new mustache and goatee look very orange, stood out. "A kingdom of nighttime pleasures," woman in gaudy dresses and dark make-up could be seen dancing provocatively, Hermione and Ginny lifting their bright skirts and laughing, "where the rich and powerful came to play with the young and beautiful creatures of the underworld."

"The most _beautiful_ of all these was the woman I loved." McGonagall, lit in black and white, blew out a puff of smoke. "Satine. A courtesan, she sold her love to men." McGonagall screeched "WHAAAAT?!!" from off-screen. "They called her the Sparkling Diamond. And she was the star, of the Moulin Rouge."

Harry appeared to gather himself before continuing. Tears were glistening in his eyes (although Harry himself didn't know why), and he took a breath.

"The woman I loved is… dead." He whispered the last, as if it were too terrible to bear. Harry himself looked around for the source of this madness, and Pigwidgeon flew by the window, followed by the red spark. But neither entered the room, and Harry was drawn back 

"I first came to Paris one year ago." Sweet music played, the colors lighter as the view swept to the train station, where a much more innocent—and clean shaven—Harry could be seen looking around in awe. Even his voice was lighter (much to his confusion; wasn't his love supposed to be dead?). "It was 1899, the summer of love. I knew nothing of the Moulin Rouge, Harold Zidler, or Satine. The world had been swept up in the Bohemian Revolution, and I had traveled from London to be a part of it! On the hill near Paris was the village of Montmarte. It was not, as my father had said," an ominous yet strangely Neville-like voice resounded 'A village of sin!' "But the center of the center of the bohemian world! Musicians, painters, writers," the very same drunks and whores could now be seen to be singing and partying at their streetcorners, "they were known as the Children of the Revolution!

"Yes, I had come to live a penniless existence. I had come to write about truth, beauty, freedom, and that which I believed in above all else, _love_." He drew out the word 'love' making it breathy and sappy.

The ominous Neville-voice said again, "Always this ridiculous obsession with **love**!"

"There was only one problem-" dismayed sound effects "-I'd never been in love! Luckily, at that moment, an unconscious Argentinean fell through my roof." Snape came crashing in. "He was quickly followed by a dwarf dressed as a nun." This dwarf happened to be Dumbledore. He kept tripping over his beard, which kept getting under his knees.

Dumbledore spoke in a comically wispy voice. "How do you do? My name is Henri Marie Raymond Toulouse LauTrec Monnnngggpiere! I'm tewibly sowy about all this, we wewe just upstaiws wehearsing a pway."

The same old red spark shot through the room, and things quite suddenly changed. Harry-Christian was replaced by Severus Snape, and the Snape-Argentinean by Ron.

"A play. Something very modern called 'Spectacular Spectacular,'" Snape said in utter seriousness.

"And it's set in Switzewend!" Dumbledore exclaimed delightedly.

"Unfortunately," Snape went on, "The unconscious Argentinean suffered from a condition commonly known as 'narcolepsy.'"

"Pewfectly fine one moment then," Dumbledore made snorty-snoring noises, "unconscious the next!" Dumbledore laughed, child-like. Dumbledore himself was laughing too.

"How is he?" cried Draco (to his horror in livid whore-makeup and a black wig), with a twin on either side of him. They had popped their heads through the hole the Argentinean had made. "Oh wonderful! Now the narcoleptic Argentinean is now _unconscious_, and therefore the scenario will_ not_ be finished in time to present to the financier tomorrow!" Draco's thoughts: _Oh God, Weasley turned me into some scary gay muggle… he is so **dead**…._

It was decided that Snape would read for the young sensitive Swiss poet goat-herder. 

Too much clamor, eerily reminiscent of Charms, they attempted to rehearse the play. Ron woke momentarily to suggest intensely, "The hills, are incarnate, with symphonic, melodies!" before falling back down.

Snape, looking frustrated, threw back his head and sang in a loud and deeply sweet voice, "The hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllls are aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive, with the soooouuuuuund of muuuuuuuuuuuusssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!" He looked euphoric. Then he attempted to regain control long enough to barf. No such luck.

There was stunned silence. Personally, they were thinking, _Snape can sing?!_ But the magic drew them back. Everyone broke out at once, clapping and repeating it… they loved it! Snape's song was a hit. 

"It fits perfectly!" George exclaimed.

"With soooongs, they have sung, for a thousand yeeeeeeeeeeeeaars!" Snape looked extremely proud of himself. Then he looked extremely green.

"Incandifuwus!" Dumbledore exclaimed from near the floor. He suggested to Draco that he and Snape write the show together. Unfortunately, Draco left in a huff. 

"Goodbye!" He screeched, slamming the door shut. He did a little dance in the hall as he walked away, thinking he was free. Silly little Slytherin.

The red spark flew though the room again…. The bohemians were now replaced, Fred by McGonagall, George by Draco (who stomped his foot very childishly), Dumbledore still Toulouse, and Ron by Neville. Christian was still Snape. Only Dumbledore looked happy, still on his knees. _He_ looked quite amused.

The new bohemians held a conference, the true people pulled along unwillingly as if by strings. 

Dumbledore had a plan. (Uh-oh)

Satine.

They would dress Snape in Neville's best suit, for Neville was the Argentinean, passing him off for a famous English writer, and Snape would read his most modern poetry for Satine. She would insist to Zidler that Snape write the show.

The only problem was, he kept hearing his father's voice (remarkably similar to Ginny's) in his head, saying "You'll end up wasting your life at the Moulin Rouge with a can-can dancer!"

Snape started to go down the Argentinean's hole like a scared bunny, exclaiming, "I can't write the show for the Moulin Rouge!"

"Why not?!"

"I-I-I don't even know if I am a true bohemian revolutionary!" In his own head, Snape was chanting _I'mgonnakillWeasleyI'mgonnakillWeasley_. But Snape was not in control of this situation… magic and a muggle movie was.

"Do you believe in beauty?!" Asked Dumbeldore. 

"Yes." _Blech_.

"Freedom?" Neville asked desperately.

"Yes of course." _Well, Slytherin freedom. **You** need to be locked in St Mungo's where you can't hurt anyone._

"Truth?" A now amused McGonagall questioned.

"Yes." _Dear God, help me in my hour of need…_

"Love?!" Draco thought, even as he said this: _Please say no, please, you are my head-of-house, my role model, the only true father I ever had…._

"Love? Above all things I believe in love! Love is like oxygen! Love is a many splendored thing! Love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!"

Draco: _DAMN YOU!!!!!!_

Snape: _BLEARGH! BLECH-URGH-GAH- WHY, GOD, HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME?!?!?! This is for that whole ex-Death Eater thing, isn't it?! I knew I would pay for that someday…_

Of course, outwardly everyone was delighted. Draco even kissed Snape. Then they both found nice corners to be ill in.

And Snape, although he himself knew better than to indulge in strange green liquids, had to have his first taste of… Absinthe. (A/N: Oh, I'm loving this… so will you.)

"I'm the Green Fairy!" The beautiful girl winked and flew off the bottle, while Snape, Draco, Dumbledore, McGonagall and especially Neville looked on in utter awe.

Hermione Granger hovered right in front of them, in her skimpy little green sequined corset, singing with them in an angelic bell-like voice, "The hiiiiiiills, are aliiiiiive, with the sound of muuuusiiiiiic."

And that was when Hermione turned… naughty.

The music changed to something with a stronger beat, Music-to-Strip-By, and the crew laughed (actually, McGonagall retained enough non-guyness to simply whimper), practically drooling.

Hermione fluttered around and landed, throwing come-hither looks over her shoulder and smiling, leaning forward and shaking her sequined little butt. She arched her back and ran her hands down her body, smiling impishly. 

Draco had an involuntarily lecherous thought, _it's really too bad the school robes cover those legs… OH-MY-_

Neville couldn't even think.

Dumbledore thought this was all great fun, it reminded him of his youth… and the wild parties he threw every summer at Hogwarts….

McGonagall could only think, _Poor, poor Ms. Granger. I will have to make sure Poppy has a talk with her after this is all over._

Snape was thinking, _Potions will never be the same._

All of them were climbing out the large windows to stand on the ledge. And dance. And sing. Snape, McGonagall, Draco, Neville and Dumbledore stood in a line and sang with their hands thrown in the air, "Yeah Freedom, Beauty, Truth and Loooooove!!!!"

Draco and Snape were praying for Voldemort to swoop down from the sky and kill them right then. Looking up, the only thing in the sky was Pigwidgeon, still being chased by the red spark.

Hermione, being a long-legged Green Fairy brain, spelled out the words in fairy dust below them, then sang, "The hiiiills, are aliiiiiive, with the sound of muusiiic." The bohemians danced in a line, their arms in front of them while they sang with her (Dumbledore was the only one who didn't feel utterly humiliated.) Hermione multiplied, many of her standing behind her and dancing like a showgirl.

The others spiraled down, with Hermione's red-eyed visage staring at them, and entered the world of the Sparkling Diamond.

*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Hehe. And Nightshade said Hermione was repressed.

K, what do you think?? Well, only one way to tell us! REVIEW!!!

So, who should play who in the next few scenes???? Don't forget, there's a whole mess of whores dancing around, who would you like to see singing "Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"

__

Thank You's So Far Go To:

Jan McNeville: **accepts the orders of the illustrious co-founder** Lol. I've (Rachel here) started reading your HPMR fic, and I'm loving it so far!! Nightshade's and my approach isn't nearly so original. Thanks for the review! ****

Cat: Thank you so much! We hope it's living up to expectations.

****

Agent 99: Potential, eh? So, is it living up to it's potential? Thanks for the review!

****

Katie: Thanks for the review! I hope this is soon enough for you! 

****

Whoever I am: Well, I've (Rachel) never read that one, and this is in the current era, so… whatever

Marauder-girl: We hope it's as interesting as you expected! Thanks for reviewing! Lisavriddle: Mwuhahaha. Poor Pigwidgeon indeed. Well, the next chapter you'll get to see Malfoy and Snape in the Moulin Rouge… mwuahahaha. Ahem. ****

Katherine aka Star: Well…. There's an easy request. Thanks for reviewing!

Boy, I (Rachel) sure do use a lot of exclamation points.


End file.
